11/4/08 08:49 am
I am not one of those things, I think im....
For those of you who don't know, I'm bipolar. I was diagnosed with it about 6 months ago or so(it probably should have been sooner), and am on medication.
It's a weird thing because I don't tell many people about it. Once you tell people about things like that I feel like you get labeled as the crazy person, and I really hate to be labeled, and to be labeled like that would be especially bad.
I have my highs, and I have my lows, and it sucks cause even with medication I don't feel like I will ever be consistantly anything in particular.
I feel like i've lost a bunch of close friendships because of this thing that I kept mostly to myself. I've been having a hard time with that recently. Thinking about all of the things that i've lost over even the past year have really depressed me. I have not been very open with the people that were there to help me in my life, instead I kept most of it in which in retrospect only made things worse in my mind.
Its time for me to take responsibility for the things that have happened, and to work on letting people get to know me. Angela has introduced me to so many of her friends and I have put forth no effort whatsoever to get to know them. I know its to late now, but I wish things would have gone differently when i was in those moments. I hate so much that i've been like that, but its hard to be comfortable with other people when I haven't been so comfortable with myself.
I have so much to work on, but im optomistic. I don't want to ever be labeled as the crazy girl, and although now it might be too late, I want to make a comeback.
I'll admit it, i'm kinda sad to see last year go. I had a lot of good times that won't be forgotten.
I want to use this year to make things happen though. There is a list of things that I want to change or make different.
-I want to be happy with myself, not just pretend to be happy most of the time.
-I want to loosen up and not be so uptight. I want to be able to not worry about what is going to happen next and just have fun in the moment.
-I want to figure out how to quit smoking without losing my mind.
-I want to not worry so much about doing things right or saying the right thing. In reality i've worried about that so much i've only managed to mess things up and make them worse most of the time.
-I want to spend time with friends that I haven't seen much...you know who you are.
-I want to lost weight. I know, who doesn't say that on Janurary 1st every year right?
-I want to not get anymore points on my license. 4 was enough for one year!
This list could go on forever. Most of all I want to work on being a better person more secure with myself.
Things are going okay I guess, but there are a couple of things that are bringing me down a ton.
My grandpa is dying of cancer right now. They aren't sure how much longer he will live, but it is slowly tearing me apart. I love him more than probably anyone in my family. He has always been supportive of mein everything that i've done or tried to do, even if i've failed. I also worry about how my grandma will be without him, there are a lot of things that he does for her that she doesn't know how to do. One of them being pumping gas, among many other little things of that nature. I just dread the day that I hear that he is gone so much, and I have been thinking about it a ton.
My sister is also messing up her life even further. She has left her drug treatment program and has failed drug tests. She will probably be going to jail for at least 60 days. A lot of people keep saying that she is getting what she deserves, and she is. She is also my little sister though, and i feel that being 6 years older than her I should have been able to protect her more, maybe help her out before she got into all of the trouble that she has. She has also broken my mom's heart, but they have taken a stand to a certain level and she is on her own now. It just stresses me out to see my family in so much pain and not be able to help them out.
I just don't know how to help anyone anymore.