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Fluffy Thinking

Having little or no intellectual weight; superficial or frivolous

11/4/08 08:49 am

Some things never change.

I am not one of those things, I think im....

Happy? 

Strange.

10/26/08 11:01 pm - 58 Weeks Later...

Oh dear livejournal, it seems that I have forgotten about you.  So what has really happened in the apparent 58 weeks since i've posted an entry?  A lot.

I seem to have grown up...amazing, I know.

I have an apartment and a kitten.  Most people thought that I would never be able to live alone, and I wasn't quite sure that I would be able to either, but I really really enjoy it.  It gives me time to just be by myself when i want to be.  It gives me time for self reflection, and mostly I have privacy and its amazing.






That is Jude...he is wonderful.



Things on the work side were great for a while but took a fast downward spiral just last week.  I was working as a GM at Jimmy Johns but was pretty much let go for inability to meet my sales goals.  I like how they forget the sales records that i set in that store in May.  I also like that they don't take into account the failing economy.  Thats fine, just keep letting the good ones go, the ones who gave everything they had to a store, cause I know that i'm not the only one that had this happen to them with this company. 

Sooooooo, Unemployment has been filed, but I also have some promising interviews tommorow.

Anyways.

While I feel that I have grown up, I still don't know who I am.  I know that I have changed, grown apart from close friendships and had my heart broken.  I fell completely in love with a guy, we were going to move in together and then he was killed in a car crash.  He was the only guy that i've ever met that really understood me and how insane I am.  The saying "everything happens for a reason?"  Bullshit.  What was the reason for that?  So I could spend weeks pulling myself together and learning how to fall asleep alone and wake up alone again?  

This past year I have had more happy and sad moments combined that I think I will ever have.  I've cried for days at a time, and i've been so happy I thought I was going to burst at other moments.  I have met people that have forever influenced my life.  

All of this and I still feel unfinished and not quite sure of my purpose in this life.

 

9/12/07 10:15 am

So I got transfered store about a week ago.  I now work on University Drive at the most busy store in the world!  Seriously, who does 2500 dollars in sales from 3-9.  Then i'm stuck there til like midnight cause i can't keep people there after 10.  Seriously.  Its nuts.  My new boss is very intense about his job and the employees need a ton of direction at night.  I was told I was only being sent there for 2 weeks, but I find that very hard to belive.  

I'm getting a new car tommorow morning.  I pretty much messed up my lease miles really badly but they are letting me out of it like 8 months early, which will save me like thousands of dollars.  I'm getting pretty much the same car, except its gonna be a 2008 fusion and dark blue instead of black.  Pretty much it was that or a focus in my price range, and im not a big fan of the focus.  

So thats about it, my life is pretty dull most of the time with random splashes of insane fun.
 

9/11/07 03:38 pm - Just to show amy how coooool I am!

 Here is how it works: copy this list; leave in the bands you've seen perform live; delete the ones you haven't, and add new ones that you have seen until you reach 25. An asterisk means the previous person had it on their list. Two asterisks means the last two people who did this before you had that band on their list.

1. Metallica
2. Poison
3. Fall Out Boy
4. My Chemical Romance
5. Atreyu
6. Pennywise/Bad Religion
7. The Academy Is...
8. Taking Back Sunday
9. Evanescense
10. From First To Last
11. Hawthorne Heights
12. Anberlin
13. Mindless Self Indulgence
14. Taste of Chaos 2007
15. Warped Tour 2006
16. Warped Tour 2007
17. The Rolling Stones
18. Jack Johnson
19. John Mayer/Maroon 5
20. Dave Matthews Band
21. Phish
22. No Doubt
23. Smoky Robinson
24. 93.1 Summer show feat. Nelly
25. The Used-well this Saturday...

I'm sure I forgot some too and could have kept going, cause im sweet like that.

2/1/07 10:44 pm

For those of you who don't know, I'm bipolar.  I was diagnosed with it about 6 months ago or so(it probably should have been sooner), and am on medication.

It's a weird thing because I don't tell many people about it.  Once you tell people about things like that I feel like you get labeled as the crazy person, and I really hate to be labeled, and to be labeled like that would be especially bad.

I have my highs, and I have my lows, and it sucks cause even with medication I don't feel like I will ever be consistantly anything in particular. 

I feel like i've lost a bunch of close friendships because of this thing that I kept mostly to myself.  I've been having a hard time with that recently.  Thinking about all of the things that i've lost over even the past year have really depressed me.  I have not been very open with the people that were there to help me in my life, instead I kept most of it in which in retrospect only made things worse in my mind.

Its time for me to take responsibility for the things that have happened, and to work on letting people get to know me.  Angela has introduced me to so many of her friends and I have put forth no effort whatsoever to get to know them. I know its to late now, but I wish things would have gone differently when i was in those moments. I hate so much that i've been like that, but its hard to be comfortable with other people when I haven't been so comfortable with myself.   

I have so much to work on, but im optomistic.  I don't want to ever be labeled as the crazy girl, and although now it might be too late, I want to make a comeback. 

1/1/07 02:39 pm - Well 2007...i have high expectations for you.

I'll admit it, i'm kinda sad to see last year go.  I had a lot of good times that won't be forgotten.

I want to use this year to make things happen though.  There is a list of things that I want to change or make different.

-I want to be happy with myself, not just pretend to be happy most of the time.

-I want to loosen up and not be so uptight.  I want to be able to not worry about what is going to happen next and just have fun in the moment.

-I want to figure out how to quit smoking without losing my mind.

-I want to not worry so much about doing things right or saying the right thing.  In reality i've worried about that so much i've only managed to mess things up and make them worse most of the time.

-I want to spend time with friends that I haven't seen much...you know who you are.

-I want to lost weight.  I know, who doesn't say that on Janurary 1st every year right?

-I want to not get anymore points on my license.  4 was enough for one year!

This list could go on forever.  Most of all I want to work on being a better person more secure with myself.

12/28/06 11:19 pm

While you are all having a great new years spent with you friends or family and having a good time, wanna know what i'll be doing?

I'll be sitting at home alone.

It'll be the start to my very emo new year.

11/19/06 03:49 pm

Oh Pete Wentz....how I love thee.


Here's to the kids. The kids who would rather spend their night with a bottle of whiskey & Patrick or Sonny playing on their headphones than go to some vomit-stained high school party. Here's to the kids whose 11:11 wish was wasted on one person who will never be there for them. Here's to the kids whose idea of a good night is sitting on the hood of a car, watching the stars. Here's to the kids who never were too good at life, but still were wicked cool. Here's to the kids who listened to Fall Out Boy and Hawthorne Heights before they were on MTV...and blame MTV for ruining their life. Here's to the kids who care more about the music then the haircuts. Here's to the kids who have crushes on a stupid lush. Here's to the kids who hum "A Little Less 16 Candles A Little More Touch Me" when they're stuck home, dateless, on a Saturday night. Here's to the kids who have ever had a broken heart.. from someone who didn’t even know they existed. Here's to the kids who have read The Perks of Being A Wall Flower & didn't feel so alone after doing so. Here's to the kids who spend their days in photo booths with their best friend(s). Here's to the kids who are straight up smart asses & just don't care. Here's to the kids who speak their mind. Here's to the kids who consider screamo their lullaby for going to sleep. Here's to the kids who second-guess themselves on everything they do. Here's to the kids who will never have 100 percent confidence in anything they do, and to the kids who are okay with that. Here's to the kids.

11/16/06 03:34 pm

What do you do when you realize that you've been living a life that is spiraling downward further and further for the last 2 years?  What about when you realize that you've hit rock bottom and the pieces of your life and emotions are scattered about, and there is no one to help you pick them up this time.  

Its seems as if every mistake that i've made, every friendship i've lost, and every relationship that i've ended have all come back to this point.  The point where I have to come to realize that I don't matter that much to anyone.  My existence has no effect on this world.  I'm living life minimally until I die.  

How do I change that?  How do I just start my life over all alone?  Do I pack up and move out of state like I think about doing all the time, or do I just sit here and wonder what it would be like to disconnect myself from all of the things that make me miserable here.  

I've never felt this alone, this useless, or this depressed.  Don't tell me to get professional help.  Its not like that, i'm not going to kill myself.  I just somewhere along the way have lost the point in everything. 

11/12/06 12:17 am

Things are going okay I guess, but there are a couple of things that are bringing me down a ton. 

My grandpa is dying of cancer right now.  They aren't sure how much longer he will live, but it is slowly tearing me apart.  I love him more than probably anyone in my family.  He has always been supportive of mein everything that i've done or tried to do, even if i've failed.  I also worry about how my grandma will be without him, there are a lot of things that he does for her that she doesn't know how to do.  One of them being pumping gas, among many other little things of that nature.  I just dread the day that I hear that he is gone so much, and I have been thinking about it a ton.

 

My sister is also messing up her life even further.  She has left her drug treatment program and has failed drug tests.  She will probably be going to jail for at least 60 days.  A lot of people keep saying that she is getting what she deserves, and she is.  She is also my little sister though, and i feel that being 6 years older than her I should have been able to protect her more, maybe help her out before she got into all of the trouble that she has.  She has also broken my mom's heart, but they have taken a stand to a certain level and she is on her own now.  It just stresses me out to see my family in so much pain and not be able to help them out. 

I just don't know how to help anyone anymore.

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