Fluffy Thinking

For those of you who don't know, I'm bipolar.  I was diagnosed with it about 6 months ago or so(it probably should have been sooner), and am on medication.

It's a weird thing because I don't tell many people about it.  Once you tell people about things like that I feel like you get labeled as the crazy person, and I really hate to be labeled, and to be labeled like that would be especially bad.

I have my highs, and I have my lows, and it sucks cause even with medication I don't feel like I will ever be consistantly anything in particular. 

I feel like i've lost a bunch of close friendships because of this thing that I kept mostly to myself.  I've been having a hard time with that recently.  Thinking about all of the things that i've lost over even the past year have really depressed me.  I have not been very open with the people that were there to help me in my life, instead I kept most of it in which in retrospect only made things worse in my mind.

Its time for me to take responsibility for the things that have happened, and to work on letting people get to know me.  Angela has introduced me to so many of her friends and I have put forth no effort whatsoever to get to know them. I know its to late now, but I wish things would have gone differently when i was in those moments. I hate so much that i've been like that, but its hard to be comfortable with other people when I haven't been so comfortable with myself.   

I have so much to work on, but im optomistic.  I don't want to ever be labeled as the crazy girl, and although now it might be too late, I want to make a comeback. 

I'll admit it, i'm kinda sad to see last year go.  I had a lot of good times that won't be forgotten.

I want to use this year to make things happen though.  There is a list of things that I want to change or make different.

-I want to be happy with myself, not just pretend to be happy most of the time.

-I want to loosen up and not be so uptight.  I want to be able to not worry about what is going to happen next and just have fun in the moment.

-I want to figure out how to quit smoking without losing my mind.

-I want to not worry so much about doing things right or saying the right thing.  In reality i've worried about that so much i've only managed to mess things up and make them worse most of the time.

-I want to spend time with friends that I haven't seen much...you know who you are.

-I want to lost weight.  I know, who doesn't say that on Janurary 1st every year right?

-I want to not get anymore points on my license.  4 was enough for one year!

This list could go on forever.  Most of all I want to work on being a better person more secure with myself.

Things are going okay I guess, but there are a couple of things that are bringing me down a ton. 

My grandpa is dying of cancer right now.  They aren't sure how much longer he will live, but it is slowly tearing me apart.  I love him more than probably anyone in my family.  He has always been supportive of mein everything that i've done or tried to do, even if i've failed.  I also worry about how my grandma will be without him, there are a lot of things that he does for her that she doesn't know how to do.  One of them being pumping gas, among many other little things of that nature.  I just dread the day that I hear that he is gone so much, and I have been thinking about it a ton.

My sister is also messing up her life even further.  She has left her drug treatment program and has failed drug tests.  She will probably be going to jail for at least 60 days.  A lot of people keep saying that she is getting what she deserves, and she is.  She is also my little sister though, and i feel that being 6 years older than her I should have been able to protect her more, maybe help her out before she got into all of the trouble that she has.  She has also broken my mom's heart, but they have taken a stand to a certain level and she is on her own now.  It just stresses me out to see my family in so much pain and not be able to help them out. 

I just don't know how to help anyone anymore.

Last night I finally got to see Atreyu.  It was amazing.  Atreyu is one of those bands that I have been wanting to see for a very long time.  I listened to them a ton over the summer.  I had a very angry summer, and they somehow are like some kind of release for me, so seeing them live was awesome and I feel somewhat complete. 

I hate to say this, but i've been listening to Underoath all day long.  Its a band that im trying so very hard not to give in to.  Stupid straight edge christians write some catchy ass shit.  Damn, its happening.  I will leave room for I told you so's!

So this whole weekend has been pretty much amazing. 

Saw3

Sleep

Ohio

MSI

Alcohol

Sleep...kinda

Waffles

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

Driving 300 miles in one day

Carsick :-(

Home

Gay Club Costume Contest thing...

Alcohol

Need Sleep

The end.

So tonight was a little rough at work...

We weren't busy.  We didn't have a lot to do, but employees had other things on their mind.  They are all trying to gang up on this poor manager and get her to quit.  They all like refused to work tonight, and it just wasn't fair for her.  So then they were getting mad at me because I wouldn't be mean to her and because I was helping her out. 

They all said I should be more angry that she is a manger than anyone.  Yes, she did technically steal a promotion that should have been mine.  But why are they so mad about it and i'm not?  I just felt like they are all being really childish about a lot of things that are going on at chipotle and its frustrating because there is nothing I can do to help out these new managers that are being tortured.  I guess they could just really take better control of their shifts and not let themselves get walked all over...but they will learn in time, I know that I have had to in the past. 

I'm very much looking forward to having tommorow off...even if i do have to go to a family gathering thing for my grandpa's birthday.

So I haven't really written anything in a while.  Mostly nothing really has been going on, not much good or bad.

I feel like nothing exciting happens so much anymore, and that my life is the same day after day.  Now I know what its like to be my parents, but with less going for me.  That just makes me feel all warm and tingly inside.  Not really.

Last night at work I was told that I am too negative.  So I started thinking about it, and I am, there is no doubt about that.  I've always been that way though.  I like to plan on the bad things happening, or things not going the way that they should so that I always have the solution to the problem, or an exit plan depending on the situation.  I will always be a pessimist at heart, don't try and change that about me.

I've also become very anti-social lately.  I don't know why exactly, I just don't like talking to people.  Especially new people, i'd honestly rather sit at home and do nothing.  I think I just feel ignored a lot, or that I don't matter.  It all goes back to my poor self esteem. 

I do have some fun stuff to look foward to though, so i'm pretty excited about that.  And don't get me wrong, im not really whining about my life to the point that it might seem.  I'm just tired of being bored with everything. 

Oh, and does the new MCR song sound a lot like Queen to anyone else?  It bothers me.  I like it.  And that bothers me even more.

I can't sleep anymore really.  Its getting out of hand and its wearing me down to levels I never knew existed.  Its 2:28 in the morning.  I went to bed at around 1...woke up at 2 in a complete panic.  This happens everynight and then I can't go back to sleep.  I feel a little bit like im losing my mind.  I don't know why im so nervous and panicky when I wake up, or what im dreaming about, but its not good.

I have to work at 7am.  Need to leave by 6:30.  Get off at 3.  Start other job at 5.  Fuck.  Is there much of a point in sleeping or trying to sleep? 

I'm falling apart...

Oh really? you say.  You have no idea. 

I would feel much better if I thought someone would listen to me.  Take me seriously, understand that im not dramatic or over sensitive. 

I hate the way that I feel lately.  But sometimes im okay. 

This entry makes me seem like a schizophrenic fool.  Thats okay with me at the moment though. 

2:33am.  I'm done

I haven't updated this thing in quite a while.  Mostly there isn't much to update.

Got a second job, good times working 2 jobs.  Not really...but good times not struggling with money.

Mostly I feel like i'm going through the motions of working, but that im not really accomplishing anything.  I know that neither of my jobs is challenging enough to keep me motivated.  I know that neither of my jobs is really gonna go anywhere.  I also know that for now this is what I need to be doing for a while.

I'm not really happy with my life right now.  Usually I can conclude what it is that is making my unhappy.  This time, i'm at a complete loss.  Its like i'm just unhappy for no reason.  Its really draining though to go through days so unhappy and empty feeling.  It makes me just want to sleep all the time.  I don't even have that much of an intrest in going out anymore.  If you know me, not wanting to go out, and wanting to sit at home all the time is weird.

Oh, and apparently one of my old teachers at RHS has a cancerous brain tumor and they can't do anything for it.  Thats pretty sad.

I miss all of my friends that I haven't seen in a while though, I need to get better at calling people. 

On a happy note, I get to see the Gym Class Heroes on Friday night...im pretty excited about that!