Fluffy Thinking

fluffy8015 @ 2008-11-04T08:49:00

2008-11-04T13:51:06Z

Some things never change.

I am not one of those things, I think im....

Happy?

Strange.

58 Weeks Later...

2008-10-27T03:21:47Z

Oh dear livejournal, it seems that I have forgotten about you. So what has really happened in the apparent 58 weeks since i've posted an entry? A lot.

I seem to have grown up...amazing, I know.

I have an apartment and a kitten. Most people thought that I would never be able to live alone, and I wasn't quite sure that I would be able to either, but I really really enjoy it. It gives me time to just be by myself when i want to be. It gives me time for self reflection, and mostly I have privacy and its amazing.

That is Jude...he is wonderful.

Things on the work side were great for a while but took a fast downward spiral just last week. I was working as a GM at Jimmy Johns but was pretty much let go for inability to meet my sales goals. I like how they forget the sales records that i set in that store in May. I also like that they don't take into account the failing economy. Thats fine, just keep letting the good ones go, the ones who gave everything they had to a store, cause I know that i'm not the only one that had this happen to them with this company.

Sooooooo, Unemployment has been filed, but I also have some promising interviews tommorow.

Anyways.

While I feel that I have grown up, I still don't know who I am. I know that I have changed, grown apart from close friendships and had my heart broken. I fell completely in love with a guy, we were going to move in together and then he was killed in a car crash. He was the only guy that i've ever met that really understood me and how insane I am. The saying "everything happens for a reason?" Bullshit. What was the reason for that? So I could spend weeks pulling myself together and learning how to fall asleep alone and wake up alone again?

This past year I have had more happy and sad moments combined that I think I will ever have. I've cried for days at a time, and i've been so happy I thought I was going to burst at other moments. I have met people that have forever influenced my life.

All of this and I still feel unfinished and not quite sure of my purpose in this life.

fluffy8015 @ 2007-09-12T10:15:00

2007-09-12T14:21:50Z

So I got transfered store about a week ago. I now work on University Drive at the most busy store in the world! Seriously, who does 2500 dollars in sales from 3-9. Then i'm stuck there til like midnight cause i can't keep people there after 10. Seriously. Its nuts. My new boss is very intense about his job and the employees need a ton of direction at night. I was told I was only being sent there for 2 weeks, but I find that very hard to belive.

I'm getting a new car tommorow morning. I pretty much messed up my lease miles really badly but they are letting me out of it like 8 months early, which will save me like thousands of dollars. I'm getting pretty much the same car, except its gonna be a 2008 fusion and dark blue instead of black. Pretty much it was that or a focus in my price range, and im not a big fan of the focus.

So thats about it, my life is pretty dull most of the time with random splashes of insane fun.

Just to show amy how coooool I am!

2007-09-11T19:44:53Z

Here is how it works: copy this list; leave in the bands you've seen perform live; delete the ones you haven't, and add new ones that you have seen until you reach 25. An asterisk means the previous person had it on their list. Two asterisks means the last two people who did this before you had that band on their list.

1. Metallica
2. Poison
3. Fall Out Boy
4. My Chemical Romance
5. Atreyu
6. Pennywise/Bad Religion
7. The Academy Is...
8. Taking Back Sunday
9. Evanescense
10. From First To Last
11. Hawthorne Heights
12. Anberlin
13. Mindless Self Indulgence
14. Taste of Chaos 2007
15. Warped Tour 2006
16. Warped Tour 2007
17. The Rolling Stones
18. Jack Johnson
19. John Mayer/Maroon 5
20. Dave Matthews Band
21. Phish
22. No Doubt
23. Smoky Robinson
24. 93.1 Summer show feat. Nelly
25. The Used-well this Saturday...

I'm sure I forgot some too and could have kept going, cause im sweet like that.

fluffy8015 @ 2007-02-01T22:44:00

2007-02-02T03:45:08Z

For those of you who don't know, I'm bipolar. I was diagnosed with it about 6 months ago or so(it probably should have been sooner), and am on medication.

It's a weird thing because I don't tell many people about it. Once you tell people about things like that I feel like you get labeled as the crazy person, and I really hate to be labeled, and to be labeled like that would be especially bad.

I have my highs, and I have my lows, and it sucks cause even with medication I don't feel like I will ever be consistantly anything in particular.

I feel like i've lost a bunch of close friendships because of this thing that I kept mostly to myself. I've been having a hard time with that recently. Thinking about all of the things that i've lost over even the past year have really depressed me. I have not been very open with the people that were there to help me in my life, instead I kept most of it in which in retrospect only made things worse in my mind.

Its time for me to take responsibility for the things that have happened, and to work on letting people get to know me. Angela has introduced me to so many of her friends and I have put forth no effort whatsoever to get to know them. I know its to late now, but I wish things would have gone differently when i was in those moments. I hate so much that i've been like that, but its hard to be comfortable with other people when I haven't been so comfortable with myself.

I have so much to work on, but im optomistic. I don't want to ever be labeled as the crazy girl, and although now it might be too late, I want to make a comeback.

Well 2007...i have high expectations for you.

2007-01-01T19:39:30Z

I'll admit it, i'm kinda sad to see last year go. I had a lot of good times that won't be forgotten.

I want to use this year to make things happen though. There is a list of things that I want to change or make different.

-I want to be happy with myself, not just pretend to be happy most of the time.

-I want to loosen up and not be so uptight. I want to be able to not worry about what is going to happen next and just have fun in the moment.

-I want to figure out how to quit smoking without losing my mind.

-I want to not worry so much about doing things right or saying the right thing. In reality i've worried about that so much i've only managed to mess things up and make them worse most of the time.

-I want to spend time with friends that I haven't seen much...you know who you are.

-I want to lost weight. I know, who doesn't say that on Janurary 1st every year right?

-I want to not get anymore points on my license. 4 was enough for one year!

This list could go on forever. Most of all I want to work on being a better person more secure with myself.

fluffy8015 @ 2006-12-28T23:19:00

2006-12-29T04:19:33Z

While you are all having a great new years spent with you friends or family and having a good time, wanna know what i'll be doing?

I'll be sitting at home alone.

It'll be the start to my very emo new year.

fluffy8015 @ 2006-11-19T15:49:00

2006-11-19T20:49:04Z

Oh Pete Wentz....how I love thee.

Here's to the kids. The kids who would rather spend their night with a bottle of whiskey & Patrick or Sonny playing on their headphones than go to some vomit-stained high school party. Here's to the kids whose 11:11 wish was wasted on one person who will never be there for them. Here's to the kids whose idea of a good night is sitting on the hood of a car, watching the stars. Here's to the kids who never were too good at life, but still were wicked cool. Here's to the kids who listened to Fall Out Boy and Hawthorne Heights before they were on MTV...and blame MTV for ruining their life. Here's to the kids who care more about the music then the haircuts. Here's to the kids who have crushes on a stupid lush. Here's to the kids who hum "A Little Less 16 Candles A Little More Touch Me" when they're stuck home, dateless, on a Saturday night. Here's to the kids who have ever had a broken heart.. from someone who didn’t even know they existed. Here's to the kids who have read The Perks of Being A Wall Flower & didn't feel so alone after doing so. Here's to the kids who spend their days in photo booths with their best friend(s). Here's to the kids who are straight up smart asses & just don't care. Here's to the kids who speak their mind. Here's to the kids who consider screamo their lullaby for going to sleep. Here's to the kids who second-guess themselves on everything they do. Here's to the kids who will never have 100 percent confidence in anything they do, and to the kids who are okay with that. Here's to the kids.

fluffy8015 @ 2006-11-16T15:34:00

2006-11-16T20:34:53Z

What do you do when you realize that you've been living a life that is spiraling downward further and further for the last 2 years? What about when you realize that you've hit rock bottom and the pieces of your life and emotions are scattered about, and there is no one to help you pick them up this time.

Its seems as if every mistake that i've made, every friendship i've lost, and every relationship that i've ended have all come back to this point. The point where I have to come to realize that I don't matter that much to anyone. My existence has no effect on this world. I'm living life minimally until I die.

How do I change that? How do I just start my life over all alone? Do I pack up and move out of state like I think about doing all the time, or do I just sit here and wonder what it would be like to disconnect myself from all of the things that make me miserable here.

I've never felt this alone, this useless, or this depressed. Don't tell me to get professional help. Its not like that, i'm not going to kill myself. I just somewhere along the way have lost the point in everything.

fluffy8015 @ 2006-11-12T00:17:00

2006-11-12T05:17:29Z

Things are going okay I guess, but there are a couple of things that are bringing me down a ton.

My grandpa is dying of cancer right now. They aren't sure how much longer he will live, but it is slowly tearing me apart. I love him more than probably anyone in my family. He has always been supportive of mein everything that i've done or tried to do, even if i've failed. I also worry about how my grandma will be without him, there are a lot of things that he does for her that she doesn't know how to do. One of them being pumping gas, among many other little things of that nature. I just dread the day that I hear that he is gone so much, and I have been thinking about it a ton.

My sister is also messing up her life even further. She has left her drug treatment program and has failed drug tests. She will probably be going to jail for at least 60 days. A lot of people keep saying that she is getting what she deserves, and she is. She is also my little sister though, and i feel that being 6 years older than her I should have been able to protect her more, maybe help her out before she got into all of the trouble that she has. She has also broken my mom's heart, but they have taken a stand to a certain level and she is on her own now. It just stresses me out to see my family in so much pain and not be able to help them out.

I just don't know how to help anyone anymore.

Drowning in my sleep...

2006-11-04T20:18:52Z

Last night I finally got to see Atreyu. It was amazing. Atreyu is one of those bands that I have been wanting to see for a very long time. I listened to them a ton over the summer. I had a very angry summer, and they somehow are like some kind of release for me, so seeing them live was awesome and I feel somewhat complete.

I hate to say this, but i've been listening to Underoath all day long. Its a band that im trying so very hard not to give in to. Stupid straight edge christians write some catchy ass shit. Damn, its happening. I will leave room for I told you so's!

fluffy8015 @ 2006-11-02T01:54:00

2006-11-02T06:54:17Z

Shit. I do stupid things, and I know they are stupid at the time.

What was I thinking?

I wasn't.

Here we go again.

Shit son...

2006-10-30T06:06:20Z

So this whole weekend has been pretty much amazing.

Saw3

Sleep

Ohio

MSI

Alcohol

Sleep...kinda

Waffles

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

Driving 300 miles in one day

Carsick :-(

Home

Gay Club Costume Contest thing...

Alcohol

Need Sleep

The end.

fluffy8015 @ 2006-10-22T00:18:00

2006-10-22T04:19:43Z

So tonight was a little rough at work...

We weren't busy. We didn't have a lot to do, but employees had other things on their mind. They are all trying to gang up on this poor manager and get her to quit. They all like refused to work tonight, and it just wasn't fair for her. So then they were getting mad at me because I wouldn't be mean to her and because I was helping her out.

They all said I should be more angry that she is a manger than anyone. Yes, she did technically steal a promotion that should have been mine. But why are they so mad about it and i'm not? I just felt like they are all being really childish about a lot of things that are going on at chipotle and its frustrating because there is nothing I can do to help out these new managers that are being tortured. I guess they could just really take better control of their shifts and not let themselves get walked all over...but they will learn in time, I know that I have had to in the past.

I'm very much looking forward to having tommorow off...even if i do have to go to a family gathering thing for my grandpa's birthday.

fluffy8015 @ 2006-10-15T20:49:00

2006-10-16T00:49:38Z

So I haven't really written anything in a while. Mostly nothing really has been going on, not much good or bad.

I feel like nothing exciting happens so much anymore, and that my life is the same day after day. Now I know what its like to be my parents, but with less going for me. That just makes me feel all warm and tingly inside. Not really.

Last night at work I was told that I am too negative. So I started thinking about it, and I am, there is no doubt about that. I've always been that way though. I like to plan on the bad things happening, or things not going the way that they should so that I always have the solution to the problem, or an exit plan depending on the situation. I will always be a pessimist at heart, don't try and change that about me.

I've also become very anti-social lately. I don't know why exactly, I just don't like talking to people. Especially new people, i'd honestly rather sit at home and do nothing. I think I just feel ignored a lot, or that I don't matter. It all goes back to my poor self esteem.

I do have some fun stuff to look foward to though, so i'm pretty excited about that. And don't get me wrong, im not really whining about my life to the point that it might seem. I'm just tired of being bored with everything.

Oh, and does the new MCR song sound a lot like Queen to anyone else? It bothers me. I like it. And that bothers me even more.

fluffy8015 @ 2006-10-03T23:24:00

2006-10-04T03:25:15Z

I hate serving people...

So i've come to realize that in the jobs that I have right now, it is almost a given that I will be treated like i'm completely retarded, or treated like complete shit by at least customer a day.

I try to think the best of people, i'm nice to customers, but still, I must not be very smart if i'm serving you your food. I just really hate when customers assume that im working where I am cause its a challenge for me. Trust me, its not, its just a way to pay the bills right now.

Then again, i'm not a great person I guess, but you wouldn't know that the first time that you meet me. I must not be that great of a person cause despite the fact that I keep promises, and don't lie to people and am considerate, I still always get let down in the end. I know that part of it is my problem. I expect a lot from people, or I suppose I must expect a lot. I guess someone else could answer that for me better.

I really need to have some fun right now, some unstressfull genuwine good times.

Yay for new piercings!

2006-10-01T03:45:10Z

So Friday night I got my snug pierced. I had honestly never even seen the piercing before i got to the place, but I like the way that it looks and thought I would share a picture with you guys!

The new one is the one closest to the bottom. Let me know what you think....

fluffy8015 @ 2006-09-26T02:35:00

2006-09-26T06:35:27Z

I can't sleep anymore really. Its getting out of hand and its wearing me down to levels I never knew existed. Its 2:28 in the morning. I went to bed at around 1...woke up at 2 in a complete panic. This happens everynight and then I can't go back to sleep. I feel a little bit like im losing my mind. I don't know why im so nervous and panicky when I wake up, or what im dreaming about, but its not good.

I have to work at 7am. Need to leave by 6:30. Get off at 3. Start other job at 5. Fuck. Is there much of a point in sleeping or trying to sleep?

I'm falling apart...

Oh really? you say. You have no idea.

I would feel much better if I thought someone would listen to me. Take me seriously, understand that im not dramatic or over sensitive.

I hate the way that I feel lately. But sometimes im okay.

This entry makes me seem like a schizophrenic fool. Thats okay with me at the moment though.

2:33am. I'm done

I would still die for you...

2006-09-20T03:07:47Z

I haven't updated this thing in quite a while. Mostly there isn't much to update.

Got a second job, good times working 2 jobs. Not really...but good times not struggling with money.

Mostly I feel like i'm going through the motions of working, but that im not really accomplishing anything. I know that neither of my jobs is challenging enough to keep me motivated. I know that neither of my jobs is really gonna go anywhere. I also know that for now this is what I need to be doing for a while.

I'm not really happy with my life right now. Usually I can conclude what it is that is making my unhappy. This time, i'm at a complete loss. Its like i'm just unhappy for no reason. Its really draining though to go through days so unhappy and empty feeling. It makes me just want to sleep all the time. I don't even have that much of an intrest in going out anymore. If you know me, not wanting to go out, and wanting to sit at home all the time is weird.

Oh, and apparently one of my old teachers at RHS has a cancerous brain tumor and they can't do anything for it. Thats pretty sad.

I miss all of my friends that I haven't seen in a while though, I need to get better at calling people.

On a happy note, I get to see the Gym Class Heroes on Friday night...im pretty excited about that!

fluffy8015 @ 2006-09-04T23:56:00

2006-09-05T03:57:15Z

Hey everyone...

I'm looking for a part time evening or midnight job...

Has anyone heard of anything good out there?

Let me know!

fluffy8015 @ 2006-09-02T21:03:00

2006-09-03T01:04:04Z

So I went to 7-11 a lil while ago, and I saw a group of my sisters friends up there. They were trying to convince me that I wanted to buy them beer. Yea, thats never going to happen.

Apparently after much debate i'm going to a party with Jessie who I work with tonight. She won't let me sit at home on a Saturday night. We'll see how this goes, she has some hot guy friends though, thats for sure.

Yea, random update, but im killing time.

fluffy8015 @ 2006-08-31T23:59:00

2006-09-01T03:59:16Z

VMA's were tonight. Of course I watched them. Panic! At the Disco should not have been the video of the year. They also should not be playing the palace in October. They are annoying, but I like them at the same time.

I've been going through some stuff lately...stuff I couldn't begin to explain to someone if I tried. Internal stuff. I'll hide behind the external problems, it seems easier. Everything seems easier when you aren't inside of it. I want to be on the outside.

Weekend off. No plans. Camping out in my room.

"I stretch myself across the world
Pushing my limits for your entertainment
And you had the nerve
To call out my weaknesses
And drag me through the dirt

I can't remember
The last time I've seen my own eyes
Or the color of my skin
Do you know what it's like
to feel ugly all the time?

I'm staring in the mirror
Looking back at the person I hate"

From First to Last "Waltz Moore"

Whats gonna happen next?

2006-08-28T01:46:04Z

Whats gonna happen next?

So I haven't been feeling great for the past couple of days, really not good, but I went to work anyways. I told my manager about it, and she made me stay cause im the only one who was trained on register. So I spend the day standing at the stupid refister dealing with unhappy people. I was supposed to work until 8, but Corey came in at like 4 and let me go to the urgent care place cause my stomach hurt so bad I could barely stand up. I guess that was nice of him.

So anyways, moving past more stupid details, I have Salmonella poisoning. I have no idea where I got it, but the doctor said that im affected more cause i have kidney problems and a weakened immune system, and that a normal person wouldn't have gotten sick like this.

Lame.

Thats all, just sharing my story of the day.

Make us it, make us hip, make us scene?

2006-08-20T23:05:39Z

I have no idea where this post will take me...but im bored, and I needed something to do.

The most exciting thing happened today, I found out that we now have FUSE...which is a pretty sweet music channel. Unlike MTV they acctually play music, and the shows that they do have are all at least somewhat related to music, its pretty sweet.

I was supposed to go to dirtfest yesterday, but we decided to just skip it cause the weather sucked. Instead I said I would work a 3-8 shift, which turned into a 3-12 shift...it was the craziest Saturday night ever, but we still managed to have a lot of fun.

After work they were going to drag me to a club, but we got out way later than we should have, so we just went back this girl Sam's house and played some DDR, drank and just hung out. It was a lot of fun, I work with some cool people.

Today I have done almost nothing, I woke up, took a shower, went back to sleep...and thats about it. I might clean my room tonight, I might hang out with someone...who really knows.

My work schedule next week is weird. I work m-f 9-2 and sunday 1-9, working 6 days kinda sucks, but its sweet to be off by 2 and have Saturday off I guess. Who wants to hang out?!

For those of you that know about the Brad situation...its gotten better, and as I told him...I can forgive with time, but I will never forget. Pretty much we will maybe be friends at best, but I won't let myself get dragged into any more than that.

Ohhhh...and I won 115 dollars at casino windsor Friday night...pretty sweet to walk in with 20 and leave with 135!

why not...

2006-08-20T04:14:40Z

Look through your LJ calender and post an entry from this day (or the nearest day with an entry) for all the years you've had a livejournal. If all your entries that day are dull, I give you license to look at 2 days either side.

2004:

My job is going pretty good, its not hard and in just one month that i've been there I can say that i'm can handle doing just about everything in the store. I've had a cold the last couple of days, which kinda sucks, cause who gets a cold in August? Well when its cold as can be in the summer I guess things like that are bound to happen. I did get to see Jean Saturday night for a lil bit cause we went out for Joe's birthday, thats always good, cause its weird not being able to call up jean and just see if she wants to hang out, even though she isn't that far away, I still miss her! I went to eat at Fridays with Marty yesterday afternoon, and there was this little girl watching her mom eat ribs, probably about 4 or 5 years old, and really loudly she said, "When I grow up I am going to be a monster so I can eat that just like you" It was really funny. Well I have hair dye in my hair, its gonna be Dark Auburn, and in a week or so I might put some blonde highlights in it just for fun.

2005:

So my internet is broken at home...til prolly at least Friday when the comcast people come out and fix it. So, i'm sitting at the Rochester Hills library right now, and its weird having to come here to go online, and so very inconvienent.

Just so everyone knows, my parents and entire family will be gone from tommorow morning til Sunday, so i'll prolly be lonely sitting at home by myself, so come over and join me, or call me and we'll go do something, i work during the day, but the latest that i'm off is 4, and thats tommorow,

I met a cute guy in the park today when I was walking my dog, and we're going to have dinner tommorow night, so we'll see how that goes. We walked around and talked for like an hour, and my dog likes him(kind of like a test of charachter). Who meets guys in the park these days? Thats so like out of bad movie.

So yea, just an update, and if you post a comment, I might not get it very quickly...cause I hate the library...a lot.